the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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