God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
