her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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