Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize