Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
