Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
