i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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