Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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