as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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