I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
