Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
