the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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