I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
