I smell stomach acid.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
