i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
