Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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