I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
worst night to have a conscience
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
