I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
