I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize