The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
