too bad you live with your parents still
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
