How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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