I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
