the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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