at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
