I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
