I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
