first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
