We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
