Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
