cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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