I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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