I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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