My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
