you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
