i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
