if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
