I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
