Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
