her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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