Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize