I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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