My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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