I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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