Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
