Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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