I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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