david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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