God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
