so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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