My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
