please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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