I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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