A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
