at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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