I'm going to jail i love you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
