Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
