yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i will never coherently bang her
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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