Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize