Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
