My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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