On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
