I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
be right there i have to get my cape
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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