new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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