I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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