There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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