Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
