i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
